


Peace of Mind

by Androfirestrike



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-04-28
Updated: 2012-05-21
Packaged: 2017-11-04 11:23:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/393263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Androfirestrike/pseuds/Androfirestrike
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He loved her once. She loved him twice, but she loved another man too. He loved her again. The other man never stopped loving her.</p><p>Shepard has to make a decision between Kaidan and Thane, but the problem is she loves them both for different reasons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Moving on

Horizon hit her hard. It hit her incredibly hard. Seeing all of those people get taken away, knowing how many people she didn't save haunted her. This wasn't a victory. Human lives were still lost. And it didn't help that she finally reunited with Kaidan after all this time and he gave her such a sour reception.

_I loved you, Shepard._

Loved. Past tense. As soon as she heard that, part of her swelled up inside. It manifested within her and not in a good way. It had been two years. He had moved on. He had changed. But even still, she wanted him to look at him and fuck everything else and go with her. She wanted Kaidan by her side for the suicide mission. She wanted to be with him.

And the fact that he couldn't or rather _wouldn't_ join her just stung. It stung. She felt rejected.

Commander Emily Shepard had died once. She had died and seen her whole life flash in front of her eyes. She saw her friends. She saw the faces of her deceased family who had been killed on Mindoir. She saw the faces of her deceased squad who died back on Akuze. She saw glimpses of things she hadn't thought about in years and most of all, she saw Kaidan and her biggest regret was not being able to spend more time with him.

To have him reject her like that...it just made her feel cold...

Shepard had always been one to try and preserve life. She had seen so much death. She had seen her friends and family die to slavers on Mindoir and her entire team get killed by a thresher maw on Akuze. Her life was filled with death, so she usually tried to preserve it.

But she just couldn't handle it. The first mission they went on after Horizon, she seemed off. They were chasing after an assassin by the name of Thane Krios. Of course, nothing ever goes right, and Shepard and her squad had to fight themselves up a building of mercenaries and security mechs.

She had never enjoyed killing things more. She loved getting her stress out. She loved biotic charging at things even for no goddamn reason. She needed to work out her stress, but like hell she was going to let her squad know that. To them, she was just being a little more aggressive than her typical aggressive biotic charging self.

She had taken Kasumi and Garrus along for the trip. Both of them were in good humor and she knew would lighten her mood if it was possible. She really needed a laugh, if she could possibly laugh at all.

But both of them took notice that something was off about the Commander when she threw a mercenary out the window. She hadn't been thinking. She hadn't thought about the consequences. She just pushed him outside and walked away.

Garrus sighed, whispering to Kasumi, “I think the Commander's a little off today, don't you?”

“It's guy issues. Don't worry about it, I'll talk to her later.” Kasumi retorted back. The thief could always since exactly what was wrong with the Commander. That was one thing Shepard both hated and loved about her.

The whole time they spent searching for the assassin, Shepard was growing increasingly infuriated. Why couldn't this be easy? Why couldn't she just run in and pick him up like she did with Kasumi and Zaeed? Why did everything have to be so fucking complicated?

_Why did Kaidan reject me?_

The thoughts kept ringing through her head. All the mercenaries and mechs in the world couldn't distract her from them.

Commander Shepard burst into Nassana's office, hurriedly pointing her gun at the asari. She has expected the assassin to have taken her out already but he wasn't there. She waited and the more she waited, the more she wanted to shoot. The more she wanted to shoot as to overwhelm her mind and not hear the thoughts running through her head.

But in a blink of an eye, the assassin appeared. Shepard stared at him, his green skin reflecting in the fading sunlight as he swiftly ran from person to person – executing each in the blink of an eye.

She stared at him. The thoughts in her head were calm. She couldn't hear anything.

She felt at peace. She felt something that she hadn't felt in ages.

_I loved you, Shepard._

_I loved you, too, Kaidan._

Maybe she could move on. Maybe she could move on just like him.


	2. Memory

Thane Krios.

It rolled off the tongue. Thane Krios. Krios. Thane. Shepard just loved saying it. Thane. It practically purred coming out of her mouth. She wanted to get to know him better. Yeah, that's what she wanted. She wanted to get to know him.

Oh, who was she kidding? She wanted more than that. And she felt bad about it. Kaidan and her had been together. They had seen so much together. _Had_. That was the key word.

They _had_ been together.

Two years and death can change a relationship, huh?

She had brought Thane aboard the Normandy and directed him toward Life Support. Jacob had given him an icy reception upon coming aboard to which Shepard had reprimanded him for. Thane didn't seem bothered by it at all. Of course he wasn't. He was an assassin. He was used to being calm and cool-headed. If it had bothered him, it wouldn't have shown.

Regardless, Shepard made her way to Life Support to check in on her new crewmate.

She walked into the arid room, a smile upon her lips as she looked around. He seemed to not have much except a few guns. Of course he didn't have much, he was probably used to traveling light.

She could tell he noticed her, but he made no movement and uttered no words as she looked around his room until she directly approached him to which he answered a simple, “Do you need something?”

She did need _something_ , but she supposed she needed to get to know the Drell better first. Or did she? What did she want, even? What did she really need? Was she even ready for another commitment? Was she ready to love someone again?

Ha, love. She was already thinking about it and had barely even talked to him. That, if anything, proved just how awkward Shepard was at relationships and love. The only thing she was more awkward at was dancing. She bet Thane would be a great dancer. Kaidan too. But she couldn't actually see either of them dancing. Well, maybe Kaidan if he was drunk enough.

God, she was really thinking about him still? Shepard mused over the thought of being with the Drell and the thoughts of Kaidan in her head.

There was no harm in talking at least, right? Right. So talked she did.

Thane was sick. He was dying. It wasn't contagious, but there it was. She felt sadness upon learning this and anger. There had to be something she could do. However, even if she wanted to do something Emily Shepard had learned long ago that sometimes good people die without reason and to bad things. Did her parents and friends deserve to die on Mindoir? No. Did her squad deserve to die on Akuze? No. They just did. Life had a way of doing that.

Dying was terrifying. Shepard knew from experience. Knowing your life is slowly coming to an end? Well, that must be downright torture. Thane was handling it quite well though. Well, most of him looked to be handling it well. Part of him just looked so lonely.

It was in his eyes. Those big, beautiful eyes held so much loneliness in them.

At the end of their little talk, Shepard turned around to leave, “I know you're still settling in, but we're going back to Illium to pick up another teammate. You ready?”

He nodded.

Shepard wondered what he was thinking. What were his thoughts? How had he seen her?

What was Kaidan doing now?

_Fuck, stop thinking about Kaidan, Emily. Stop it._

She took a deep breath, exiting life support. The Normandy was still docked in Illium so she figure it would be easiest to pick up the Justicar while they were still here before heading off to pick up Tali.

The Commander took Thane and Kasumi into the battle. The Assassin and the thief complemented her well, actually. Shepard was a Vanguard and was used to charging into battle. Stealth and her never mixed. Shepard hated firing a sniper rifle, even though she could. She preferred shotguns and melee combat and biotics. Oh, did she love biotics.

They traveled off to search for the Justicar. It was interesting to watch Thane fight. He was excellent with a sniper rifle, as expected. He also possessed a unique sense of clam when fighting. It was something Shepard wasn't used to seeing. No one was usually that calm on the battlefield.

And then it hit her. He was so calm because death didn't scare him. He was dying anyways.

That practically broke he heart to think about. It was the reason he accepted the mission anyways. He wanted to do good before he died and the mission through the Omega 4 Relay was practically a suicide mission. He needed no payment like Zaeed or Kasumi. He had no orders from above like Miranda and Jacob. He had no pre-existing friendship with Shepard like Garrus and soon-to-join-the crew-again Tali. He had made no deal benefiting himself with Shepard like Jack had. He had no moral obligation like Samara, who Shepard had talked to and agreed to join her crew so long as Shepard gave her a ship name and because the collectors were evil and violated her code. He was far away from being similar to Grunt who just wanted to kill as much things as he could. If anything, the closest person on the team Shepard could compare Thane to was Mordin. Mordin was old as far as Salarian age was concerned and Shepard could tell the idea of death did not particularly scare him either. Mordin wanted to do good with the time he had left, but yet stopping the collectors was also a challenge to him.

Thane wanted no challenge. He just wanted to do good with the time he had left.

He looked so empty though.

After acquiring Samara, Shepard took her usual rounds visiting her crew on the Normandy. The closer the Suicide mission came, the more people wanted to finish unfinished business. So many of her crew would call her up and ask her for a favor: “Let's find my sister!” “My father's ship sent a distress signal!” “Let's blow up Pragia!” “I need to control my Krogan bloodthirst!” etc, etc.

Thane hadn't asked her for anything...yet...

She walked into Life Support, asking him if he wanted to talk. He nodded and waved Shepard to the seat in front of him. She listened to him talk of his people and being trained as an assassin. Drell were fascinating. The bond they held with Hanar was so interesting. However, it also sounded like slavery which was something Shepard could not stand. She hated slavery and slavers with a passion almost as great as her hatred of collectors and reapers. Slavers had killed her family and friends back on Mindoir. Shepard tried not to hold a grudge, but sometimes she couldn't stand the sight of Batarians. They just made her think of her mom and dad dying and the faces of people she couldn't protect.

_Laser dot trembles on his skull. One finger-twitch, he dies. Then the smell of spice on the spring wind. Sunset-colored eyes defiant in the scope. The laser dances away._

...He had slipped into some sort of memory? It intrigued Shepard but also confused her. She wanted to know more, but Thane looked reluctant. He looked like he didn't want to discuss it further so the Commander got up and excused herself.

_Scarlet colored hair shining like the feint setting sun. Eyes green like a jungle's trees and just as dangerous. She looks upset and noticeably on edge. Her armor is a dark purple with red accents, making her look like a blood covered lilac. She is making her way up the tower just like myself, but is far less obscure in her actions. I could take her out in a shot from above but won't. She fights the enemies I fight._

Shepard took a deep breath, running her hand through her red hair as she made her way to the CIC, deciding to leave Illium's docking bay and head to Haestrom for Tali. She needed things to keep her mind occupied and shooting geth (because geth and quarians go hand in hand) would probably be more than enough to help get her mind off things.

_A broken neck. A punch to the face. Shot to the chest. I grab my target, unable to look my prey in the eye. A shot to the stomach. A prayer for the wicked is needed. A prayer for myself is said. She speaks and I stare at her. Scarlet hair shining in the feint setting sun. Eyes green and noticeably staring at me back. She is beautiful, but also deadly. What she wants if for me to join her to stop the collectors. Yes, the collectors are a threat to humanity. I will accept. What else do I have to lose? What does a dying man have to lose?_

_I'm trying to make the universe a brighter place before I die._

_Siha, you were already shining so bright when I first met you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really happy this chapter was longer ahhhh. I'm really fascinated by the Drell's memory thing so I'm gonna play a little more with it and hope it doesn't get too confusing. I also wan to make it seem like Emily loves both Thane and Kaidan equally and don't wanna be biased so yeah. It'll be interesting to write how he relationship with Thane comes to be. Hope you enjoyed and I'll try and update soon. :)


	3. Maybe

_Her words are firm and her eyes are stern but her heart is pure. She casually looks around at my belongings, her eyes pouring over every gun I own and each bit of the life support area. I don't say anything until she approaches me. She looks at me and sits down across the small table, her bright green eyes glowing radiantly in the ship's artificial light. I hadn't been this close to a woman in a while. I could see all of the little aspects of her skin, the expression in her eyes, the little ways her mouth contorts when she speaks. I could see the glow of her hair in the light and the way it shined._

_I hadn't been this close to anyone in quite a long time, literally and figuratively._

Shepard had gathered together a team that she was certain could make it through the Omega 4 Relay. The only problem was that they couldn't get through the Omega 4 Relay yet. Shepard had decided that while the Illusive Man was finding a solution, she would satisfy the requests of her crew members. She would go to Illium and find Miranda's sister, blow up Pragia, attend that fancy dinner party Kasumi wanted her to, etc, etc.

Thane still hadn't asked her for anything yet even though the two had been growing closer.

She visited him again after a mission. They had just gone to Tuchanka and done the rite for Grunt. Shepard had said that mission should be prioritized because she didn't need an even more crazy, bloodthirsty Krogan on her ship.

She asks about the Drell perfect memory. The idea of it fascinates her – to remember every moment so clearly sounds terrifying to her. She doesn't want to remember everything because there are some things in her life she think that should be forgotten. She can't imagine how he could live with so many memories.

The Commander is an idealist. She believes that Thane is just as responsible for the deaths of the people he assassinated. He disagrees, but understands what she is saying.

_Laser dot trembles on the skull. The smell of spice on the spring wind. Sunset-colored eyes defiant in the scope._

_I can't tell her. Not yet. Not now._

She is curious about that memory, but Thane barely mentions anything about it – just letting her know it wasn't an assassination per se, but a bystander. The Commander gets up, but he stops her to thank her for coming to see him so often to chat.

_I hadn't been this close to anyone in quite a long time, literally and figuratively. I hadn't had any sort of friend in ten years. She looks at me and cocks her head to the side lightly, “You've spent a lot of your life alone, Thane.”_

_The words reverberate in my mind. She is perceptive. She is beautiful. She is deadly. I am alone, but not when I'm with her. I thank her for being my friend._

Shepard wants more than to be just friends. She doesn't know exactly what she wants from Thane, but she knows it's something else. She wants to be with him in some shape or form but can't articulate it, “Just a friend? Well, it's a start.”

_Intriguing. The thought of being with Shepard plays out in my head. I am dying. Shepard is a survivor. She had died once and came back. The thought of being with her and then being forced to leave her behind saddens me, but I can't help myself from being intrigued._

The Commander is torn in two. On one hand, she wants to pursue something with Thane but she thinks about Kaidan and wants to be with him too. On the other hand, Kaidan had rejected her when she needed him most. She wanted him but he couldn't stand by her side. She had a feeling that no matter what she did, Thane would stand by her.

She took the elevator down to her personal cabin. She hadn't slept in a while and needed to relax a bit. The Elevator door opened and she walked forward, admiring her cabin as she walked to her message terminal to check her messages before she went to bed.

And there she saw it. A message from Kaidan. Her heart beat faster and faster and she didn't know what to do or what it would say. Taking a deep breath, she opened the message and turned her head away before looking at it.

_Shepard, I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?_

He had been moving on. Shepard wasn't surprised. Two years was a long time. Two years was a long time to be alone.

Ten years was longer though. The thought of Thane having been a lone for that much time creeped into her head and she immediately wanted to see the Drell and talk to him again.

_Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me... maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside._

“I guess I don't know who either of us is anymore?” Shepard said aloud. That was somewhat insulting. She may have died and been brought back to life but she was still the same person. He just couldn't realize it. He just didn't want to realize it.

That night had meant the world to her too and she would have put things aside to be with him again. Key word: Had. Now she wasn't so sure. The only thing she would have never given up was her fight against the collectors, but that was a make or break thing, huh?

_But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die -- on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself._

She sighed. The letter rang hollow to her. Kaidan telling her to watch herself didn't make her feel any better. She would have felt better if was with her to watch her back. Kaidan was an alliance soldier through and through, though. He couldn't abandon the alliance. Shepard knew this, but didn't want to admit it.

_When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care. --Kaidan_

Maybe. She didn't know either. She didn't know what to make of anything anymore. Part of her wanted Thane. Part of her wanted Kaidan. All of her wanted to defeat the reapers. Every single goddamn speck of her wanted to save the galaxy.

She stared at the message, closing out of it but unable to delete it from her messages folder. She looked at the picture of Kaidan on her desk, running over the picture of his face gently with her fingertips. She looked away and walked over to her bed, setting an alarm to wake her up in a few hours.

The Commander felt vulnerable for once and was thankful no one was around to see her in that kind of state. She cursed herself. She had taken down countless criminals and monsters and shot so many things but when it came to men and the people she wanted to protect, she was a mess. She had lost so many people in her life and wanted to protect all those she could.

Losing even one person, physically, emotionally or mentally made her a wreck.

She just never let it show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was fun to write! Next chapter should be Collector ship and Thane Loyalty mission. I'll work on that soon, but I hope you enjoyed!


End file.
